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FAQ

Here are some questions that I’m frequently asked, if my Formspring/VYou/Twitter is to be believed. If you have a question that isn’t answered below, you can e-mail me. Or try the aforementioned question-and-answer-based social websites. Or just keep it to yourself.

 

I e-mailed/messaged you/asked you a question on Formspring/VYou, but you haven’t replied yet. Why not?

E-mails? I’ve a bit of a backlog – sorry! – but I’ll try to reply to you soon. (Unless it’s urgent, in which case I probably have already. If it’s urgent and I haven’t, tweet me.) Formspring/VYou? Maybe your question is shit. Or I’ve answered it already. Or I haven’t Formspringed/VYou’d in like a hundred years.

Will you check out my YouTube channel and/or give me a shout-out/some advice/tips/feedback?

You are the hundredth person to ask me that this week. So probably not. I’m sorry.

How do I become successful on YouTube?

Short answer: make good stuff. (Longer answer: make really good stuff.)

What’s with the YouTube username ‘ninebrassmonkeys’?

Prospective radio or TV announcers are sometimes given an announcer’s test. These tests originated in the 1920s, in the early days of radio broadcasting, and usually involve retention, memory, repetition, enunciation, diction, and using every letter in the alphabet a variety of times. One of the better known tests originated at Radio Central New York in the early 40s. It was a cold-reading test given to prospective radio talent, to demonstrate their speaking ability:

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo’s tweezers
Seven thousand Macedonian warriors in full battle array
Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt
Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth
Ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who haul stall around the corner of the quo of the quay of the quivery, all at the same time.

There are many variations of this version – which was popularised by US comedian, actor and singer Jerry Lewis – and it has even been adopted for use as a ‘repeat after me’ chant by the Boy Scouts of America. One variant, which appears in Jeannette Haien’s 1997 novel Matters of Chance, adapts the eighth and ninth lines thus:

Eight sympathetic, apathetic, diabetic old men on crutches
Nine brass monkeys from the Sacred Sepulchres of Ancient Egypt

When I joined YouTube, the username ‘eightbrassmonkeys’ was taken, so I opted for ‘ninebrassmonkeys’, a la Haien. (My second YouTube channel is called ‘ninebrassmonkeys2′. I wanted to call it ‘nineandahalfbrassmonkeys’, but YouTube told me that had too many characters.)

Why hasn’t [insert name of YouTuber] been in Becoming YouTube yet?

Everyone I’ve asked to be in Becoming YouTube has said yes. If your favourite YouTuber hasn’t appeared yet, that’s either because they’re in an upcoming episode and we might not have even filmed it yet (also, I prefer to keep who’s appearing in Becoming YouTube a secret until they do), or simply because I haven’t asked them. Not every major YouTuber can appear in Becoming YouTube, or the series would never end and I would die. If you’re wondering why more American YouTubers aren’t in Becoming YouTube, that’s because I live in the UK. Besides, Becoming YouTube is, first and foremost, about the UK YouTube community.

Will you continue to make YouTube videos once Becoming YouTube has ended?

I reckon so.

Why do you dye your hair red? What hair dye do you use? Is your red hair a cry for help/attention? What is your natural hair colour? Do you dye anything else red?

Every time I’m asked this, which is often, I dye a little inside. And that was a pun. (Deep breath.) My natural hair colour is black. Dying my hair red isn’t a cry for help, nor a cry for attention. I just like the colour red. The dye I use is Directions: Fire. I don’t dye anything else red. That would be obscene. Now leave me alone.

Are you gay?

No. But I can be.

How tall are you?

5’8″.

What are your religious beliefs?

I’m an atheist. I believe in beauty, love, intelligence and reason, but not the intention of an omnipotent being.

Any chance of a Writer’s Tale with Steven Moffat?

Not at the moment. Not by me. The Writer’s Tale did what it set out to achieve: to take a progressive look at the scriptwriting and storytelling processes, and at Russell T Davies’ role as showrunner of one of the BBC’s flagship drama series. I don’t think a book with Steven would be as markedly different as people think. This is what I said in an interview once: “E-mailing me isn’t a prerequisite for taking the job of [Doctor Who] showrunner. I’m not handed down from head writer to head writer, like a soup recipe. Or a genetic disorder. The Writer’s Tale came about by accident, really, and it was quite an organic process at a time when Russell already had three series under his belt.” And now I’ve quoted myself. I’m a horrible narcissist.

This is what Steven himself said, in August 2011: “The trouble is, you’d have the same book by a slightly more reticent and grumpy man… To be honest, I think [The Writer's Tale] is an outstanding book about writing. I think it’s brilliant. I recommend it to anyone. I don’t know that I have anything to add. That is the life I’m leading. It’s as hellish as depicted there. It doesn’t change at all. No, it would just be the same book with a shorter man. It would look like a budget cut.”

However, I have interviewed Steven several times for Doctor Who Magazine, Radio Times, The Brilliant Book of Doctor Who, et al, as well as on stage at the Cheltenham Screenwriters’ Festival. You can listen to a recording of that interview on this website.

In The Writer’s Tale, who is ‘Miss X’?

Ha ha. Not telling.

Where can I buy The Writer’s Tale?

The second one, The Final Chapter (ISBN 978-1-846-07571-1), is available in paperback from all good bookshops, and online at the usual places: Amazon, Play, Tesco, WHSmith, Waterstone’s, etc. The original, hardback Writer’s Tale (ISBN 978-1-846-07861-3) is available from Amazon, Tesco, WHSmith and Play, amongst others – and Waterstone’s offers an exclusive Special Edition (ISBN 978-1-846-07689-3), which is slipcased, individually numbered, and signed by the authors.

Both Writer’s Tales are available outside the UK, too – on Amazon, for example, in the USA, Canada, China, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, etc.

What other books have you written or contributed to?

In 2003, I wrote The New Audio Adventures: The Inside Story (ISBN 1-84435-034-7), a 278-page hardback about Big Finish’s range of Doctor Who audio dramas. The Times called it ‘required reading’. SFX magazine said it’s ‘one of the densest – and perhaps best – episode guides ever published… Books rarely come this highly recommended.’ BBC Online said: ‘Possibly the most candid book about Doctor Who ever written, the Cook report covers the triumphs, the gossip, and oh yes, sweetheart, the fights.’ The book also features a foreword by Russell T Davies, and an afterword by Paul McGann. It’s no longer in print, but copies still pop up on Amazon, etc, from time to time.

Also, I contributed to the Doctor Who Annual 2006 (ISBN 1-904419-73-9), which made the UK Top Ten Hardback sellers list, and The Brilliant Book of Doctor Who 2011 (ISBN 978-1-846-07991-7) – both of which are out of print now, but there are probably copies for sale on eBay. More recently, I interviewed Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, Arthur Darvill, Alex Kingston and Steven Moffat for The Brilliant Book of Doctor Who 2012 (ISBN 978-1-849-90230-4), which is also out of print now, although some copies are still available online at the usual places: Amazon, Waterstone’s, Play, et al.

What are you watching on TV at the moment? Any favourites?

Too many to list. But I’m going to try. Most of the US shows I watch are cartoons (The Simpsons, South Park, Family Guy), but I’m addicted to Breaking Bad and, to a lesser extent, Fringe. UK dramas that get me excited include Doctor Who, Sherlock and Black Mirror. Comedy? Nothing beats The Thick of It (much missed), but the perennially LOL-packed Peep Show, Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle and An Idiot Abroad sometimes come close. As do most things that Charlie Brooker does (particularly Screenwipe, Newswipe, How TV Ruined Your Life, and the aforementioned Black Mirror). Ditto Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge (search for Mid Morning Matters on YouTube). Panel shows? Try Have I Got News for You, 8 Out of 10 Cats, Mock the Week, QI and Would I Lie to You? – or Just a Minute, I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, The News Quiz and The Unbelievable Truth on the radio – but TV’s Never Mind the Buzzcocks hasn’t cut it since Simon Amstell left. (And the BBC axed Shooting Stars instead?!?!) ‘Reality’ shows I watch include The Apprentice and Dragon’s Den. I’ve given up on The X Factor. What else? Question Time. The Graham Norton Show. Pointless, sometimes. Anything fronted by Louis Theroux. There have been some excellent one-off dramas over the past year, too. TV is amazing at the moment. If anyone tells you different, they’re wrong.

My favourite TV programmes as a kid were Thomas and Friends (Thomas the Tank Engine), Mr Majeika, Maid Marian and her Merry Men and, unusually, Only Fools and Horses. Don’t look at me like that’s a bad thing. Other TV shows I’ve loved and lost include Russell T Davies dramas Queer as Folk, Bob & Rose and The Second Coming, Paul Abbott’s Shameless, Jack Thorne’s The Fades, and comedy series Spaced, Black Books, The Office, The Smoking Room, The IT Crowd, That Mitchell and Webb Look and Psychoville.

Who designed your website?

Jonathan Ginn. (You can find his website here.) This is a photo of him, in case you’re curious:

Jonathan Ginn

Who drew the banner at the top of this page?

Artist, animator and YouTuber Ed Stockham. He has a blog. It’s called Watching Traffic. Here is a photo of Ed:

Will you be my friend?

Yeah, all right. You seem nice. No.